Is having problems really a problem?

What if the trouble comes from the way we think (and feel) about them?

Photo by Shridhar Gupta on Unsplash

We call problems to those things we suppose we need to do, bring us negative feelings when considering doing them, and we find resistance to getting started. We don’t want to deal with those situations because they make us feel bad, hurt us, or simply take us out of our way, but we still think we need to do them. A dictionary would define “problem” as a matter or a situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome. It could be going to the doctor, just for a check-up or maybe for treatment for a serious disease. Another type of problem could be having a discussion we don’t like having, at work or at home, ranging from a little feedback all the way to firing someone.

We usually give the label of Problems to all those situations triggering negative emotions. We pile them up, and we speak about them as “having problems to solve.”

However, besides critical situations in which our lives seem upside down and our capabilities to support ourselves are compromised, it is more the Thinking “I don’t want to deal with this” than the Problem itself that makes us suffer.

It always takes my attention to hearing people complaining, often in an entertaining way, about all the problems they have and how they will (or will not) deal with them. It becomes like something we need to have, and as it is a problem to have problems. But…

• What if we are frequently calling problems to conventional life situations? (that we need to live anyway)
• What if those ‘problems’ are business as usual in living our life?
• What if by labeling and taking those situations as problems; we are creating a heavy burden we don’t want to deal with?

Here is the crucial point: Whether it is just semantics, for how you call them, or a “real perception” of a problem, it is indisputable, from several pieces of research, that:

holding on to negative emotions about doing or not doing something, and declaring we have problems to solve, creates stress. Plus, while not all stress is ‘bad,’ this type is unproductive and disempowering.

We avoid and stress about the feelings, not the situation itself.

When we procrastinate we do not procrastinate regarding going for a run, writing the essay or presentation, or starting the new meal plan; we procrastinate on the emotions that we associate we will experience when doing those things.

By the same token, the negative part of what we call ‘problems’ are rather the emotions and feelings we imagine we’ll encounter when dealing with that situation, more than the condition itself.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that we don’t choose or control our thoughts or emotions; they just pop out in our minds and we decide which ones to entertain. To cut this point straight: There is no such thing as a solution to a feeling; trying to ‘solve’ feelings is a waste of time and energy. You ‘simply’ need to experience them.

This realization is crucial; otherwise, you are living the feeling of your thinking, not the feeling of the world. And the more you entertain the thinking of having problems, the more you detach from the ‘real’ situation and from the real emotions that may create on you.

Then, What’s the point of sitting with feelings coming from thoughts that we accept to entertain, that we call problems?

Why not doing the very thing right away, without concern for how we feel beforehand, dealing directly with the situation and the ‘real’ emotions that will come up with it?

OR

Why not Stop entertaining the feelings and thoughts and quit thinking we have a problem altogether?

How liberating could that be?

How cool could it be to not mind the feelings we get and do everything we say we want to do and be, regardless of how we feel about it?

Wouldn’t it be awesome to cut off all the negative experiences from our thoughts?

You can do it with ease by (truly) understanding this concept:

it’s not so much what happens to us as what we do with what happens to us that determines our experience.

In summary, what we call problems and the emotions we get towards them are not due to the situation itself, but by the feelings, we connect into dealing with them. Problems have negative sensations associated; contemplating those adverse thoughts and emotions doesn’t move us forward, cause us stress, and delay our decision to take action. Though, moving into the situation will do two things: Change whatever we were thinking and experiencing about it AND advance us improving/concluding the situation.

So… maybe… problems are not a problem. Or nothing is a problem unless we frame it and experience the negative thoughts and emotions that come with it.

An intelligent person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. Albert Einstein

How to do it:

1. Eat that frog. As in Brian Tracy’s famous book, just do what you feel and think is the most uncomfortable in your day, first thing in the morning he suggests, even if you need to eat a green invertebrate :-). Remember, the thoughts and feeling about doing that thing are thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel them or that they are not well funded; it means that is not THE thing, is your thinking and believing. Move on and do the real thing, then you’ll deal with whatever emotions and feelings will really show up for you.
2. Change your wording: The Problem arises when we feel the burden of something “we have to do” For example: “I have to give that person feedback” or “I have to go to that meeting” It’s easy to get dressed up with the “I have to” language, getting imprisoned and triggering resentment and resistance’s feelings. Challenge the thought: Maybe you will give feedback, as the Manager you always wanted to be. Or you are going to that meeting as part of working out the promotion you dream about. There is always is tweak to move from I should to an authentic I want.
3. Consider if you’re using the word “problem” when you actually mean something different: Get clarity on the emotions that arise from that “Problem:” apprehension, guilt, or fear of failure?. Then you can move forward from a place of understanding, initiating change rather than remaining stuck in discomfort.
4. Am I able at this time? In his book Triggers, Marshall Goldsmith proposed a modernized version of a Buddhist principle: Assessing if we have ALL the resources to positively impact a given situation. When the answer is yes, doing it diligently, with no more thought about it. When the answer is no, be in peace with it, again with no more thinking about it.

The question used is: Am I willing at this time to make the investment required to make a positive difference on this topic? Yes, do it now. No, be ok with that.

There’s no way to go through life without experiencing negative emotions. But hopefully, you can use the tips above to respond to your ‘problems’ dealing and putting effort on the “real” situations and not on the shades of your thoughts and feelings, which for sure will be, in more or less measure, mislead of the real thing, and won’t move you any forward.